This is what I read at Chris's memorial:
Saying goodbye is never easy. We are feeling emotions that are deep, complex, and quite confusing.
In our hearts there is love, the pain of separation, the unanswered questions, regret, and profound grief.
I am heartbroken and devastated by my brothers actions and I know that the pain and grief will never go away.
All of us are trying to understand why he did this and many of us may be angry at Chris for committing suicide.
Some of us are asking,” What could I have done to prevent this.”
His choice to take his own life was the result of a deep and life long fight within himself where the darkness seemed never ending and his inability to express how he truly felt inside.
I would like to try to give you all a little insight into some lessons we learned growing up that I believe made it nearly impossible for Chris to ask for help.
We were taught to keep secrets.
To never let the outside world to see our weaknesses, pain or self-doubt.
We were taught not to speak of our fears, insecurities, or human frailties.
We learned through example and experience, that when failure struck, we should lash out and push away those closest to us so they would not see how we were really feeling.
We were taught that no matter how you felt inside, you must always keep a smile on your face and not talk about your feelings.
We were taught that we deserved our failures, disappointments, losses, heartbreak and defeats.
And worse, we were taught that if we spoke of those feelings, it would hurt those we loved.
Those were lessons we learned when we were very young. Unfortunately Chris was unable to develop healthy coping skills, but he dealt with those feelings the best that he could.
I am not trying to place blame, I am just trying to give you a glimpse at what helped shape Chris into who he was emotionally, and why he had an extremely difficult time reaching out and asking for help. I am telling you these truths in an attempt to help you understand him a bit better.
Chris’ life was filled with more good moments than bad. But he clung to those bad times and feelings and held them in until it just became more than he could bear.
All of you, and Chris’ other dear friends who could not make it here today, were his family and he loved you all deeply.
We must ALWAYS remember that his choice was not meant to damage us. It was a choice made from listening to the voices of hopelessness, depression and desperation whispering in his ear until it became deafening. It was a choice he made because he had become blind to the small blessings that each new day brings.
Chris was not thinking about the hurt and the pain he would cause us. He was not thinking about the things he would miss like music, fishing, and spending time with his friends, the list goes on and on.
He simply felt, in his mind, in his heart and in his soul,
Alone, Lost, Overwhelmed and Hopeless.
Ending his journey, his life, was the only option in his eyes.
As we say goodbye to Chris, please believe that
One act. One choice, does not define a life.
One act. One choice is not a legacy.
Every moment of compassion, each act of kindness,
Every quiet conversation, every shared laugh,
Every hope and every dream,
That is what defines a life and creates a legacy.
Remember the things Chris did that brought you happiness.
Allow the light of those fond memories illuminate the dark corners within your heart.
If we remember his love, and honor his legacy and journey, maybe then we can understand, and eventually, heal.
