The day I found out I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life. From my sisters to my close friends, I was the only one who wasn't a mother. I felt my prayers had been answered and that my dreams were finally coming true. I was so excited and over-joyed. The first time I felt a kick was when I realized what true love was. The movements were my favorite part. Feeling them and seeing them sent my heart into complete bliss. I didn't think I could possibly love anything or anyone more than I loved this lil baby growing inside me. Five months into my pregnancy we found out we were going to have a son. He was going to be the first boy in my family of sisters and nieces. For the next four months we bought clothes, diapers, carseat, toys...everything you can imagine a baby boy needed...we got. We set everything up, his bassinet, pack-n-play, baby swing, bouncer. I hung up his outfits and folded the rest of his clothes and neatly put them into his own lil dresser. At nine months we were all ready for when he would enter this world. We even packed the diaper bag for when I went into labor. We couldn't have been more prepared.
On the evening of November 17, 2008 I went to the hospital with pain in my stomach, everyone thought I was in labor as did I. As I lay there in the hospital bed the nurse uttered these words that I will never forget..."I'm not getting a heartbeat from him." I looked at her blankly and with a sort of anger and said "No you have to check again!" she did and turned to me...pointed on the ultrasound screen and said "There is no heart beart...and he isn't moving. It looks like the placenta has torn away...I'm so sorry." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, how in the world could this be happening to us. It's only a week before my due date, he was moving around only an hour ago, we have everything ready for him, he has a name...Isiah my baby boy. On November 17, 2008 at 11:51pm I gave birth to Isiah by c-section. I was put to sleep for it all. When I awoke I heard no cries...no nurse putting a baby into my arms...no smiles from his proud daddy...no balloons wishing us well, just flowers and cards of sympathy. I was completely engulfed with sadness and anger. I wondered why, why did this happen to me...why did it have to be my baby...am I not good enough...what did I do to deserve this...how will I ever be able to live again when the one thing that made my life meaningful was now gone. I laid my eyes upon my beautiful son 2 days after i I had him because I just couldn't bring myself to see him and know that that is all I'd ever get to do. I felt if I seen him, it would then make it all real...and the reality of it all was too much for me to bare. When I did decide for them to bring him to me...I knew it would change my life forever. I wept as I looked upon his beautiful face and perfect lil body...from his fine blonde hair to his ten lil fingers he was nothing less than beautiful and a perfect blend of Andrew and I.
I still am trying to heal, though I don't know if I ever really will. Losing a child is something that no one could ever understand unless you've experienced it. No gifts, no flowers, no cards, and no words can comfort. I still cry and miss him every single day and he never leaves my thoughts.
