On February13, 2008, Nevin Ryan Rosa was born. As doctors expected during pregnancy, Nevin was born with multiple disabilities. He was then diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, Hypopituatarism, Septo-Optic Dysplasia, Seizures, and Diabetes Insipidus at birth. I knew it would be something severe and life changing. But I chose to continue to carry on with this difficult journey with a strong mind and head on my shoulder. I loved him no matter what, he was my child, my blood.
Nevin was the most amazing little boy I have ever met. His smile would really light up a room and his giggle and laughs always kept everyone in tears (of joy). I was blessed to be his mom. At 8 months of age, I enrolled him in Early Head Start, for stimulation of overall development. He then started Early intervention at home, with physical, occupational, speech and educational therapists for motor, oral and physical development. He continued through school all the way to kindergarden.
Nevin saw many specialists. Endocrine, Neurology, Opthomologist, Therapists and Orthopedics. Due to not being able to bare weight through his legs, Nevin’s hip bones, eventually began to start to come out of socket. He even had a leg decrepency in which one leg seem a bit longer than the other. His Orthopedist suggested surgery on both hips, now that he was young, because his bones can heal quicker than an adult. He said he would only stay in the hospital for 3-4 days max. At the age of 5 years old, what parent wants their child under the knife? I definitely did not. But after considering the pros and cons, I came to the conclusion that surgery seem to be the best opinion, now that he small, for better healing and to optimize his chance of walking in the future and avoid further hip pain as he was already experiencing from lack of baring weight through his legs. His pediatrician cleared him for surgery, and we proceeded. Surgery was on February 10 2014, exactly three days before his 6th birthday. But then….
Last year, March 30 2014, about a month and a half after surgery, on a Sunday morning, my life was completely changed and was flipped upside down. I woke up to my son’s father, screaming, panicked, asking why did our 6 year old son Nevin, looked the way he did. (we had just woken up, hadn’t even brushed our teeth). My heart immediately raced, as I rushed to my child side, who was sleeping in my bed next to me, in my room. I couldn’t believe what I saw. My child was in the same position I layed him in the night before, except his eyes were open, not blinking, no movements, and a dark dot in his pupils, unresponsive and lifeless. My heart immediately sank and I began to panic. I could not believe this was happening. So I put my ear on his chest to hear his heart, I thought I heard a beat. Deep down I can tell he was gone because he did not look like himself, but I didn’t want to believe it. We immediately called 911, crying hysterical for help, as I carried my lifeless child to a flat surface, in our living room floor, and I began CPR. While still on the phone with the police, they told me to try to calm down and continue CPR until help arrived. I did as they said…but nothing worked. His lungs were not expanding, indicating any air going in. As I blew in his mouth, I noticed his pale gums, he had no pulse, and he was not reacting. As the paramedics arrived, they asked what happened and I explained all of the above. I was so nervous and anxious for my child’s safety that I even yelled at the paramedics, and asked “Why are we still here? Why aren’t we rushing to the Emergency Room?!?!”. The paramedic told me, that at the moment my child’s heart had stopped and they were trying to re-start it, because they would do the same in the ER. STILL in denial, I told my son’s father, to hurry up and grab his clothes because we couldn’t bring him back from the hospital without clothes. ( He was only wearing a diaper and socks).
As we got in the ambulance, I was still trying to figure out why we were not moving. I am so freaked out by now, and my anxiety was building up. I prayed that this was all a bad dream and that he would be fine. But as we got close to the hospital, I began to look at the paramedics through a small window, working on my son, trying to revive him. They were very sweaty from exhaustion and I noticed they could not bare to face me when they noticed me watching. That’s when I REALLY freaked out. That was a sign to me, saying that there was no success. Finally arrived to the hospital and immediately a group of about 10 or more doctors worked on him. The curtains were closed on us, and we were asked not to look in. I did not know what to do. I called my family crying, asking them to please hurry and come to the hospital. I was too anxious so I kept asking the nurse whats going on. She told me that they were still trying but as of yet, he was still unresponsive.
At this point, time seem to have slowed down, it felt like I was watching a movie, in very slow motion. I looked again to the room where my son was, and I saw a nurse look at me, and put her head down, as she entered, with a crispy white sheet. My heart sank once again, like the feeling you get when dropping from a extremely high/tall roller coaster. My heart then began to race and I started to talk to myself. I said “No! No!, this is not happening! My son must be cold or something and that was why she had the bed sheet.”…I then felt a hand over mine, and another nurse telling me…”Miss, please come with me, we need to talk.” As she held my hand, I quickly withdrew my hand from hers and told her I did not want to go into the “private room” to talk about anything! But as I followed her, and we sat down, she uttered the most disturbing words any parent would dread to hear. She said” I am sorry, but we did the best we could, but your child did not make it.” I barely let her finished her statement, when I ran to my child’s side. I held and hugged him tighter than I’ve ever hugged anyone before. I screamed and screamed and screamed!!! “WHY ME GOD?!? WHY DID YOU TAKE MY BABY AWAY FROM ME?!? WHAT I’M I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW WITHOUT HIM?!? I looked back a nurse standing behind me, tempted to shake her by shoulders, but instead I cried and yelled” YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD KEEP TRYING!! PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON HIM!!! PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU, PLEASE KEEP TRYING!!” She then told me that they tried over 11 times and they could not keep medicating him to try to revive his heart. In denial, I looked around and saw the resisatator machine, and for a split second thought of grabbing it, to revive him myself.
Immediately after, while in the hospital, I was faced with so many decisions to make in such a short period of time….Medical examiner, funeral arrangements, Burial vs Cremation, etc. I lost my one and only son, Nevin. My everything, my heart, my soul, my universe! He was the air that I breathed, the sun to my sunshine, the reason why I smiled everyday and the only person who I felt loved me unconditionally.
The same day my son died, so did my life. I did not go home for almost 3 weeks because I could not bare to walk in my apartment, and see all his belongings and clothes everywhere. That same night, I received a call from the medical examination department, asking if I was interested in donating my son’s heart valves and other salvable tissues. As overwhelmed as I was and hard as it was to give an answer on the SAME DAY he passed, I quickly agreed, because even though he was no longer physically with me, I wanted his spirit to always remain ALIVE!! The receiver gracefully accepted my child’s gift. Just knowing that another mother, can now have, hold and hug her child, because of mine, was absolutely rewarding and bought me peace and a bit of hope.
Saying goodbye was the hardest thing ever!! I just did not want to let go. I now try to find peace knowing that besides myself, he couldn't be in better hands, than the hands of God.
Sleep in my paradise my sweet King, We will forever cherish your memory and hold you so close to our hearts!!
-Mommy and Daddy loves and misses you Immensely!! <3 <3
