ODE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN – PEARL MASSEY, OUR MOTHER

You know what?  I feel blessed.
I am grateful that our mum stopped being brave.  Being strong.  Bloody minded, cussedly, fiercely independent. We're glad that she knows that the time for fighting is over.  The battle has been fought.  And won.  I am  glad in her last days she moved in with Lorraine and Michael and was in a cocoon of love; that at last she was allowing herself to feel how very much she is loved.
During the last years of her life Mum has had hovering angels - Aunt Molly, Lorraine, Michael, Lorna, John, Nicole, Colin, Lucy, Teresa, Rosalyn, Daniel, my family, Albert, Ashley and myself, our extended family and friends. Huzannah and David who walked with her for a brief while, Maria, Jessel who were constant and faithful until her end. Harry who came every Sunday to give her Communion. I would call from New Zealand and sing to her over the phone. Her life would not have been complete without her beloved companions Shobha, Anita, Aruna, Baji, Sunanda and Vaishali who cared for her. Her doctors were her guardian angels here on earth – Dr.Subranshu Nath and Dr. Preeti Rogers and their support staff amongst the many others.
Today I want to talk about why I love her. A nurse and a teacher by training, an Air Force pilot’s wife, an artist, an accomplished singer, she wore many hats during her lifetime, but most treasured of all, my beloved mum.
I want to share reasons I know that she has been with me through life – a communication that was different but always there. 
My mum is not an angel.  Neither am I.  Nor are you.  Each one of us is flawed in different ways.
Uncle Tony her brother told me: “In life you have to play the cards you are dealt.  What is important is not how good they are, but how well you work to improve your hand.”
Life was not always kind to Mum, it brought her a lot of suffering. But Mum did not fall apart. She just untiringly played the cards life dealt her. A lesser woman might have reeled under the onslaught of life’s burdens, might have cursed God, might have taken up the offer a kind priest made to intercede with the Catholic church and obtain a divorce for her. But not my mum. She just deepened her faith in God and asked Him to succour her.
My mum, right from when I can remember, used to sing in the home.  Many of them were love songs. She had a beautiful voice and she loved the feel of singing. 
My mother was an artist. One quirk of hers was to draw faces of beautiful women.  Mature women they were, strong cheekbones, past the first innocence of girlhood.  They always had, though I didn’t recognize it then, a sadness, a melancholy beauty. I believe Mum found expression of her inner self in those beautiful, sad, strong women.
Mum has had a very strong hand in shaping our lives.  Communicative in every way except in terms of dealing with complex emotions, she was the flagship of our home.  I see a little of her in every one of us.  Colin has a broad vision and the gift of the gab that Mum has always had.  Lorna the love of music, those beautiful brown eyes, and a belief in herself.  I have Mum’s artistic skill. Lorraine has known a Mum of sadder days but I see in Lorraine so much of mum’s urge to do good, to offer the shelter of our home to the kids who needed it.  And all of us, have something, some intangible riches we’ve derived from what was too often a difficult past.
I believe that Mum knew a very strong love.  I don’t think her love for Dad ever flagged.  Maybe, again, it was her bloody mindedness.   Dad had his share of illness, and through it all, she looked after him and stood steadfastly by him,  eventually  making a new life for us in Pune.  Then he died 5 years later at the relatively young age of 50.
Did Mum have time to grieve?  She went back to work one week later. She had to. Her family needed the money. Did she ever express to anyone how it felt to have her reason for living gone?  She never did.
The picture comes to my mind, and I’m not exaggerating because it’s what I feel, of a soldier encountering barbed wire in the course of war, doing his duty by throwing himself on it so others can pass.
Mum told me once, that she used to be ‘very highly-strung’, hated bloodshed or anything ugly. I got the impression that marriage and the responsibilities of a family and making ends meet stabilised her. I’m thinking that never Mum never ever shared, or resolved, the intensity of her emotions within her. The bad things she took in her stride, never stopped to weaken or falter, or find help to chase away those blues.  But it cost her much. 
In the course of my life, I’ve also learnt what Mum went through.  Why at times she was distant.  How it was that she expressed her love even though she couldn’t show it.  How it affected her when as a solo parent, her husband in hospital in another city, her 10 year old son drowned in tragic circumstances.  What she did that gave us a fighting chance in life – our father being absent for much of our childhood. 
Did Mum love us?  Yes she did.  Did she mollycoddle us? No.  She gave us the best of her genes and then moulded us to be people of strength and character. Thanks Mum.

I like to think that that is what my mum is. Amazing.  I’d like to say again that I’ve been privileged to know an amazing woman who’s had a, well.. interesting.. kind of .. life.  My mum of yore had fantastic stories of places she’d seen, things she’d done.
But she forgot to share with us, or maybe she just didn’t know, just what a truly amazing character, a truly beautiful woman she was.
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We will all miss our 'Pearl'. The void can never be filled. But as we mourn her passing, we need to celebrate the life she lived and take forward the lessons she taught us.
We would like to thank God for the opportunity He gave us to look after herl. She brought laughter into our home, and increased the love in it. Few have the opportunity to give back – and Pearl gave us this satisfaction to a small degree because no child can ever give back completely to a parent.
Yet we would never have been able to look after Pearl the way we did, without the untiring support of so many:
 Thank you Shobha, Anita, Aruna, Baji Maushi, Sunanda and Vaishali. More than care givers, you were daughters to her.
Thank you, Dr. Subranshu Nath, Dr. Preety Rogers Dr. Smita Godse, and Dr. Ann James for always being available and caring for her with kindness.
Fr. Dennis Borges , Fr. Bertie Rozario  and Harry Miranda you were her spiritual support  and together with Fr. Louis and Father Coutinho, you  supported our family in every way you could. Thank you so much.  The Choir, Pearl’s time with you was her greatest joy, and you are here for her even today . Veronica Chico and Sr. Rosemary, you gave her the gift of time and brought joy to her especially during her long illness. Our  friends and family, each of whom had a special place in Pearl’s life, were a constant support. We value you, touching Pearl’s life.
Uncle Peter, Carol, Chandru and Jonathan, you are still grieving for our dear Aunty Yvonne, who left us only four days ago, yet you are with us. Aunty Thelma and Aunty Melba, you have lost two sisters in the same week. I know how hard it must be for you. Thank you. And  A Thank you to each one of you here today who have come to wish Pearl Goodbye. I am sure that each of you has special memories of Pearl and that she has a special place in your heart  and as they say, to live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.

Thank you.