The way she said the words “I have cancer” was almost like she knew this was the battle she couldn’t fight.   For the first time in my life I could hear the fear in her voice.  I was afraid for her.  I said “what” even though I heard exactly what she said I couldn’t manage to react to it.  I began to cry she told me not to cry that she it is just another obstacle and she would fight hard to overcome it.  I honestly didn’t know where she found her courage.  Being sick became such a natural thing to her that she dealt with it with such dignity and grace.  She was put in the hospital immediately and was getting weaker and weaker by the moment.  We sat down with her doctor as he told us because of her health she would not be able to undergo chemotherapy.  Ultimately there was nothing they could do but to make her comfortable.  I remember sitting in that room finding it hard to breathe as he was telling us that she was dying. Her doctor was a very compassionate man he fought back the tears as he explained to us our options. I looked around at my father who couldn’t manage a word without choking, realizing that I never saw him cry before.  The emotion on my husband’s face showed how much he cared for my mother too.  Why did I feel like I was the only one losing someone?  I felt like they couldn’t possibly feel that same heartache I felt.  My mom was still able to make her own decisions and understood she was dying.  It was almost as though she was ready.  She was so tired and looked so old for only being 58 years old.  How can I look at her knowing this will be the last time I see her?  How can she be so calm about this?  I wanted to run in there and hold her and not let her go.  I am not ready for her to go!  Once we got the news we immediately called my sister in Georgia and told her to get on a plane.  My mom made the decision to stay in the hospital and to continue dialysis as long as she could but by her next dialysis day she was too weak and wouldn’t be able to undertake such a process.  My family started to come in from all over the state, all of her brothers and sisters were by her side.  It got to the point where my mom was not eating nor speaking she was fighting for every last breath.  She was waiting for my sister to arrive from Georgia before she would let go.  We waited, and tried to keep her comfortable as the hours went by.  The night was getting late and for the first time in days my father, brother, sister and I left her side and went downstairs together to try to get something to eat.  This was the first time that not one of us was by her side.  Then over the loud speaker at the hospital the family of Phyllis Matuszczak was paged.  I started to shake as I called the operator and was told to return to my mom’s room.  My legs buckled as I ran to the elevator my heart beating so fast I felt like I was going to vomit.  I ran into the room, no one had to say anything she was gone.  She was lying there so peaceful so beautiful.  My sister arrived about an hour later.  She fell to the ground once she realized she was too late to say goodbye.  We hugged her and told her how mom was holding on for as long as she could.  The one thing about my family is that we always told each other how much we loved each other so that was never a question.  There was nothing left unsaid.  My mom was not suffering anymore.  Having my family around was a tremendous support as we made arraignments on how we wanted to say goodbye and honor this wonderful wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, and friend.  Over the next few days my house was overwhelmed with visitors who brought food and their condolences. As we sat around going through pictures and recalling memories of my mom I received a phone call from the local florist.  She was calling to make sure someone would be home to receive flowers that she needed to deliver.  I told her yes that someone would be here.  The flowers arrived about an hour later.  As I was bringing them in friends and family around my dining room table were trying to guess on who they might be from.  The envelope only said “To my family” so we thought it might be Aunt Sally or Grandma Bartz.  I opened the envelope and read the card “Thank you all for being there with me. It is beautiful here; I am at peace, Mom.” I started screaming and crying, thinking it was some kind of joke.  After hearing my screams, my sister came from the bedroom to find out what was going on.  I read the card out loud over and over again.  My sister began to shake as she told me that she was laying down trying to take a nap she asked mom to send us a sign that she was okay.  Everyone was in disbelief.  How could this be?  Once I was able to calm down and think about it. Did she ask my aunt to send them to us?  Is this something hospice does to comfort the grieving family?  No one could explain it and no one has heard of it happening before.  It didn’t matter anymore to me how they got to us; I knew this was my mom’s way of letting us know she is okay.  It was her way of doing what she had always done for us.  She was thinking about her family and wanted to comfort us when she couldn’t be here.  I don’t know how the flowers got to us that day.  I know I take so much comfort in receiving them.  It has been almost 8 months and I miss her more and more every day but she struggled in life and to know she isn’t struggling anymore and that she found a way to tell us is the most powerful gift anyone can receive.  This goes way beyond a mother’s unselfish love.  Faith was restored in those that had lost it during the two week period. For those that could never believe in something they couldn’t see, grasped it for the first time when we received those flowers and that message from my mom. My mom will always be remembered for her strength, her faith, the love of her family and for the true hero she was.

**Credit on these words goes to Kim but all her children, grandchildren and husband felt the same about her.